So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
