do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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