and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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