I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
