I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think I died a long time ago.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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