New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
