its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
