living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we're so committed to being not committed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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