I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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