I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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