Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dignity is for republicans.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
