Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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