I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
