I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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