you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
