hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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