last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
