I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
