I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
