when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
