Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
