Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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