She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
