now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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