I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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