The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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