dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
there's paper in my vomit.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
