so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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