just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
