My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
