My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
