At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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