You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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