I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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