After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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