I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
