Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
