this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
