Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
