yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
