I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
