I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
