Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
