I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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