Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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