Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
