I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
