life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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