Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
