once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
