Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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