My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
