ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
