3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
