i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
