Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
