yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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